Coping with your Girlfriend’s Loss

I was with my friend last Tuesday so I could attend his girlfriend’s funeral. This friend of mine is one of my previous students. He is kind of older than me and I see him as a friend as well as his girlfriend. I was in shock when I received his SMS confirming that his girlfriend has passed already. She died due to asthma the day after the New Year’s Day. I think I was in denial for an hour because the girl is still young and I’ve been with her several times when I was working. Besides, she is one of the students who I was able to talk to about personal matters. I am one of the first persons who knew that they were dating already. We kept it in secret to the class but the news eventually exploded. Last Monday, I was again their witness but that time, it’s their heartbreaking separation and her boyfriend’s grief.

We know that any kind of loss can be difficult to someone to cope with. For me, death of a loved one regardless of the title is the most devastating. The intensity of heartbreak depends on how much you loved a person, how long you’ve been together and the kind of relationship you had.

Grief is a natural response to loss. Death of the loved one can cause the most intense grief. In 1969, a Swiss American psychiatrist named Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D. introduced the Five Stages of Grief in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying.

                The following are the stages of grief:

·         Denial

·         Anger

·         Bargaining

·         Depression

·         Acceptance

Everyone experience grief differently. It is not necessary to feel all of the stages. Sometimes, you undergo with two or three stages. You may also undergo all of the stages but in different sequence. However, when you got into acceptance you will be able to have a healthy life and move on with another relationship.

So, how would you do it?

Below are my tips.

     1.       Acceptance. Accept the reality that you will never be with your girlfriend anymore. She is now gone forever. Yes, it is hard to accept that the person who was with you the other day or the person you were talking on the phone twenty minutes ago is no more. Of course, it will be easy for you to deny the truth and make yourself believe that she is alive. Maybe, you are still in shock. But, the hard truth is you cannot see or even touch her anymore. Mourn, cry, skip meals and be alone. Express your grief in any safe way possible. That may help in the coping process. 

     2.       Be with your friends. They may help you in any struggle that you are going through. It’s time for you to show them your vulnerable side. Share with them whatever you feel. Putting up a brave face and continuing your daily activity like nothing happened will only make it worse in the long run. It’s not the right time to lock yourself in your room but it’s the right time to hang with your friends so you could have a shoulder to cry on and people to console you.

     3.       Choose positive thoughts. You may experience the longing feeling for your dead girlfriend. You may be pre-occupied by her memory and sense like she is in the same room! And because you cannot think of anything else, you cannot concentrate on other things. It’s OK to feel sad. But it is a kind of situation where no one has any control. Death is one of the mysteries of life and it happens for reasons that only our God can understand. It will be better if you celebrate and be contented with the good times and memories that you shared together. Treasure and stay connected with her friends and continue whatever unfinished business she has. Begin to appreciate the good things that you have including your job, education and your family. The bottom line is to choose positive thoughts and STOP focusing on your loss.

     4.       Be engaged in fun activities. Pursue your dreams and don’t get discouraged because of your loss. Concentrating on other things will divert your thoughts. Play basket ball, computer games, cards or chess. Listen to uplifting music and watch movies. These activities can give you comfort and help you cope with your loss. Of course, your loved one in heaven do not want to see you alone and constantly disturbed. Do things that will make her proud. Believe that she is always watching you.

     5.       Count on time. The first few weeks of her death are usually the most difficult period. But, as time goes by, you will begin to accept your loss. Your grief will eventually subside and you can begin to re-adjust your life. It happens naturally. The duration of healing process differs for different individuals so be patient with yourself. However, if after a very reasonable period of time and you’re not still moved on, you should consult a counselor for the appropriate therapy.

Good Luck and may you be able to cope with your loss!

In loving memory of my student, Rosalyn Ilagan.

Tags: death, relationship advice, coping with, girlfriend's death, loss, relationships 

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Six Reasons why you should leave a Relationship

When is the right time to say goodbye to a relationship? When you were starting together, sky is the limit for your happiness. You met the best guy who brought up the best in you. He is the person who used to surprise you with candle lights in a dinner; open the car door for you; make you laugh through his jokes; hold your hands; and many other doings that made you feel like ‘oh my God! He is the one.. XoXo’. Now, you feel like you are trapped and confused. You do not know if you will keep holding on to your old feelings or just choose to leave.

Time flies. Some things changed. You do not know any longer if you are still in the right place. 

Knowing when to walk away might save you from procrastination.

The tips below might help you decide to leave your relationship.

1. Your trust has been broken many times that resorted to cheating emotionally or physically. A relationship without trust will not work. If you have trust issues, talk with your partner. If nothing changed, it’s time to end your relationship. You deserve some peace of mind.
2. The pet name you used to call each other is now gone. You are now calling each other’s birth name in non-endearing tone. Sometimes, your name turns to labels that a radio or TV wouldn’t air. 
3. Advice and counseling did not work. If you tried getting advice from your friends, elders, priests or pastors about strengthening your relationship and it did not work, it is time to think about moving on. Many can give you good advice but if you find yourself having a hard time doing what they told you, it is now on you.  
4. Respect has gone in the wind. Now, you cannot stand your partner’s presence. You feel irritated about his opinions and you end up in almost-never-ending argument. You shout to each other. You slam the door. He called you; you slammed the phone’s receiver. 
5. Banned from family and friends. Now, the person you meet at the office, in a bar or at a street forbids you to meet your friends and family. Oh come on! Your world is now off-balanced. 
6. Relationship became abusive. Abuse can be mental like yelling, labeling and comparing or physical like slapping, hitting and punching.

Relationship is a two-way street. It is not healthy if one or both does not benefit from each other. Leave when you know it’s time to end. Don’t look back and get ready for a new beginning. God Bless Us.

Tags: relationships, dating, advice, relationship problems

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Ten Reasons why Some Relationships Fail

You have finally met your guy! You were both overjoyed the first time you were together. However, as time went on, you feel like something has changed. What happened to the passionate relationship that you have started as a couple? You are now starting to blame each other whenever you feel like things are not going the right way. You stopped calling your guy those endearing names (e.g. hon, boo, babe, honey, love) you used to call him. He turns his back on you when you sleep on bed.

You are now stressed asking yourself WHY your relationship is turning into losing end.

Let’s see. I have listed my presumptions why your relationship is somewhat failing. Just read on.

1.       Your relationship has no strong foundation to last. Most intimate relationships last longer if it started out from a great friendship. Some couples must first go into that level where they see each other as a good companion, a true friend and most importantly, as their real selves. They jumped instantly into a kind of relationship where they have to commit to each other without being conscious that they may have different wants and needs. They do not know each other that much to go along very well.

2.       Trust issues. Have you ever experienced the feeling of wanting to just walk-out because you couldn’t believe what your guy or girl is saying? Trust fades away when someone felt the feeling of betrayal of another. In effect, that person will feel upset not because he was betrayed but because he has now slighter capacity to believe what the other is doing or saying. Have you felt stressed because you think your guy spends his night with another girl? Jealousy generally occurs when there is a feeling of competition. On the other hand, we need to not let jealousy win over our thoughts. Being doubtful is poisonous. It can cause hatred, anger and insecurities to oneself. 

3.       You’re still in-love with another guy or girl. If we do not know where we are, we will never know where to start. Do you still see yourself in your previous relationship? Do you still miss him despite the way you were rejected? Well, that’s a problem. Are you still connected with your best friend and just when you entered an intimate relationship with another guy, you realized that you’re in-love with him? Again, that’s a problem. Talk sincerely with your guy and openly discuss your problem. Tell him which direction you want to go. It may hurt him but he may understand.

4.       You only see his or her faults. It is very easy to find faults in things. Sometimes, what we see is just a part of a larger picture. Imagine this.  You cooked an omelet for your boyfriend’s breakfast. Unfortunately, it turned out to be overcooked. Now, if you put the food into your mouth, what’s the first thing that you will notice? It’s overcooked, right? So, you may not able to eat it and you may need to explain why. Many people feel that they need to tell every little flaw that they see in every situation. Even if you are in the position to do the criticism, you are risking your partner to feel hurt. 

5.       Expecting too much. Too much expectation can lead us to the road of too much disappointment. True. Sometimes we set goals only to disappoint ourselves because we did not achieve it. Sometimes we expect our partner to do something for us only to find out that he will not do it. In effect, you will tell yourself to not expect too much. That is the usual belief of humans – when you expect too high, you’ll get disappointed. We all know that disappointments bring trust issues in a relationship. And, it is fatal. What I can say is, don’t let your emotion control you. You got disappointed, so what? It is human nature to expect. You may fail but there’s still a chance. You may feel hurt but you can move on. Forgive.

6.       You are working too much. Quality time is important in a relationship. Yes, you need to meet ends but you also need to find a good time to boost your relationship.

7.       Being around too much. When you do things together, you are making your relationship strong. However, you are still two different persons and you must provide space to live each others life. Stop being too clingy before you feel like suffocating in each other’s presence.

8.       Financial issues. It is important to have financial harmony in a relationship. When couples set plans and limits in their financial decisions, marriage dedication and good communication are sustained.

9.       You are being insecure. Insecurity is defined as a feeling of not being “good enough”. This feeling occurs as a result of a sense of being unaccepted or rejected. Usually, a person who is always insecure has low self-esteem. Meaning, he may lack confidence in his abilities and skills. An insecure person has a negative perspective in life. He may think that he is ugly. Therefore, he will always compare himself to other people. What do you think about someone who always complains that he’s fat and not losing weight? What about a person who always feel upset because he feels like he is an outcast in a group? What about a girl who always think that she is being cheated every night?  Obviously, they can have problems in establishing healthy relationships. It is a great feeling to be secured. But, it is something that requires a great effort to be felt. 

10.   Poor communication. Communication is the most important tool in a relationship. Therefore, couples must not stop communicating. There are some couples who are always together but don’t relate vey well. It is understood that, when they stopped communicating, they will also stop relating. As long as there is good communication in a relationship, every problem in every different situation can be solved without going through too much trouble.


Related Article:
Overcoming Insecurities

Tags: relationship problems, relationship, relationship issues, relationship questions, relationship problems, relationships, relationship advice, help relationships, conflict in relationships, insecurity, jealousy, communication, break-up, keirotopy

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