I was with my friend last Tuesday so I could attend his girlfriend’s funeral. This friend of mine is one of my previous students. He is kind of older than me and I see him as a friend as well as his girlfriend. I was in shock when I received his SMS confirming that his girlfriend has passed already. She died due to asthma the day after the New Year’s Day. I think I was in denial for an hour because the girl is still young and I’ve been with her several times when I was working. Besides, she is one of the students who I was able to talk to about personal matters. I am one of the first persons who knew that they were dating already. We kept it in secret to the class but the news eventually exploded. Last Monday, I was again their witness but that time, it’s their heartbreaking separation and her boyfriend’s grief.
We know that any kind of loss can be difficult to someone to cope with. For me, death of a loved one regardless of the title is the most devastating. The intensity of heartbreak depends on how much you loved a person, how long you’ve been together and the kind of relationship you had.
Grief is a natural response to loss. Death of the loved one can cause the most intense grief. In 1969, a Swiss American psychiatrist named Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D. introduced the Five Stages of Grief in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying.
The following are the stages of grief:
· Denial
· Anger
· Bargaining
· Depression
· Acceptance
Everyone experience grief differently. It is not necessary to feel all of the stages. Sometimes, you undergo with two or three stages. You may also undergo all of the stages but in different sequence. However, when you got into acceptance you will be able to have a healthy life and move on with another relationship.
So, how would you do it?
Below are my tips.
1. Acceptance. Accept the reality that you will never be with your girlfriend anymore. She is now gone forever. Yes, it is hard to accept that the person who was with you the other day or the person you were talking on the phone twenty minutes ago is no more. Of course, it will be easy for you to deny the truth and make yourself believe that she is alive. Maybe, you are still in shock. But, the hard truth is you cannot see or even touch her anymore. Mourn, cry, skip meals and be alone. Express your grief in any safe way possible. That may help in the coping process.
2. Be with your friends. They may help you in any struggle that you are going through. It’s time for you to show them your vulnerable side. Share with them whatever you feel. Putting up a brave face and continuing your daily activity like nothing happened will only make it worse in the long run. It’s not the right time to lock yourself in your room but it’s the right time to hang with your friends so you could have a shoulder to cry on and people to console you.
3. Choose positive thoughts. You may experience the longing feeling for your dead girlfriend. You may be pre-occupied by her memory and sense like she is in the same room! And because you cannot think of anything else, you cannot concentrate on other things. It’s OK to feel sad. But it is a kind of situation where no one has any control. Death is one of the mysteries of life and it happens for reasons that only our God can understand. It will be better if you celebrate and be contented with the good times and memories that you shared together. Treasure and stay connected with her friends and continue whatever unfinished business she has. Begin to appreciate the good things that you have including your job, education and your family. The bottom line is to choose positive thoughts and STOP focusing on your loss.
4. Be engaged in fun activities. Pursue your dreams and don’t get discouraged because of your loss. Concentrating on other things will divert your thoughts. Play basket ball, computer games, cards or chess. Listen to uplifting music and watch movies. These activities can give you comfort and help you cope with your loss. Of course, your loved one in heaven do not want to see you alone and constantly disturbed. Do things that will make her proud. Believe that she is always watching you.
5. Count on time. The first few weeks of her death are usually the most difficult period. But, as time goes by, you will begin to accept your loss. Your grief will eventually subside and you can begin to re-adjust your life. It happens naturally. The duration of healing process differs for different individuals so be patient with yourself. However, if after a very reasonable period of time and you’re not still moved on, you should consult a counselor for the appropriate therapy.
Good Luck and may you be able to cope with your loss!
In loving memory of my student, Rosalyn Ilagan.
Tags: death, relationship advice, coping with, girlfriend's death, loss, relationships
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