Untimely Pregnancy: Filipino Perspective about Marriage and Single Motherhood

In the Philippines, pre-marital sex and having a child before marriage is becoming common. Some couples who are engaged in these acts are still studying while some have a career already. Many had gotten into marriage because of different circumstances. For the young couples, pregnancy can bring a lot of pressure particularly if they are from a traditional family. Their parents may force them to get married as soon as possible because it is the right thing to do. Elders in the Philippines still believe that having a child out of wedlock is disgraceful. A child must be born with a family so that they will not become a bastardo or a bastarda. The Filipino family structure is always perceived with a mother, a father and their children. Sometimes, a dog named Bantay or Batik is added. This perspective is through the influence of church, family and school.

Unfortunately, a woman has the most to endure when it comes to the situation of untimely pregnancy. Some of these are the following:

1.  The “A” thoughts. Unwanted or untimely pregnancy can cause confusion to a pregnant woman. Her complex mind may think about the “A” word to avoid shame. Unfortunately, abortion is banned in the Philippines so she has no choice but to continue the pregnancy either it’s wanted or unwanted. However, some were able to expel the fetus by going to an abortionist or what we call a hilot. They are not real doctors; they just do it for a living. Their clinics can be found in hidden places and they use improper tools for the procedure. Examples are banana sticks and unsterile scissors. 
2. Guilt trips. If the pregnancy is not wanted, she may feel guilty most of the time. The guilt and regret is already there for doing such act that may change her life forever. However, other people still could not understand her situation including her parents. They might tell her stories about how hard they worked for her education, how annoying it is to have a child who got pregnant out of wedlock and how hard she may struggle because of her stupid choice. Those stories might be all true but they just add up to the burden. 
3. Insecurity. Her growing belly will show eventually. The stigma of pregnant-not-yet-married situation and the change in her body figure can cause her insecurity. 
4. Financial mess. A woman who is experiencing an unwanted pregnancy is more prone to financial mess considering the economy and salary here in Philippines. Some companies don’t hire pregnant women for some reasons. Some public school teachers lose their jobs for being pregnant out of wedlock. The media, institutions and some companies refute the idea of discrimination. The truth is, no matter how reasonable they are - it actually exists. 
5. Pressure. She may feel the need of getting married because of a child that is on the way. Some believe that if they marry the guy who impregnated them, the guy will feel more obligated to support their needs as a family. In addition, some just wanted to get out from a situation where she feels that she is being ridiculed and belittled while some just wanted to please their family members.

A young pregnant woman has a lot to go through but it will not be always the case if she will stay strong. Forcing her to marry may be good for the unborn child but not with God’s heart. God wants us to marry because of love and not because of having a baby. Besides, statistics showed that couples who got married because of pregnancy are more likely to end up in separation. Only a small percent stayed strong.

I am not saying that it is not good to marry once you got pregnant. If you are really planning about the marriage and you two are totally in-love or you believe that you are compatible, why not? What I am saying is one must think about marriage a hundred times before going into it because it is a lifetime commitment. Ending up in separation is more of a trouble especially to the child. Also, I have never read anything that says, “You are required to get married because you are pregnant.” The meaning of marriage is love, not pregnancy. That is the reason why priests discourage those who wanted to get married for the wrong reasons.

Did you know? Last time I checked, it is already the 21^st century. We do not live in the dark ages anymore. Humans evolved as well as our technology. I believe that our traditions must also adapt to these changes. We are now in a situation where women also work for a living. Some are actually the breadwinners of the family. Nowadays, both men and women share the same rights. So, the female society does not deserve double standardization. She must have a free-will to decide if she will marry or not. 

I know that the idea of broken family is not good. However, it will be a lot better for a child to be in a peaceful family than with a family that’s full of chaos. Chaos in the family may cause the child anxiety and some problems regarding social interactions. Also, when your child grew up, do you want him to blame his self and think about things like “If it is not because of me, they will become happier persons.”? Sometimes, if a family is not organized, a child can blame himself particularly if he knows that his parents are forced to get married because of him.

There are genuine reasons why someone cannot marry another. Whatever are they, I hope that the schools will be able to open up the minds of the youth about the structure of a family – that it is not always a mother, father, a daughter or a son and a dog. In that way, taunting an illegitimate child by the other children will be avoided. It’s now time for some of the Filipinos to open up their minds.

“Marriage will only mean a piece of paper if you did not do it for the right reasons.”

Tags: untimely pregnancy, single motherhood, marriage, pregnancy, marriage pregnancy, pregnant married, unwanted pregnancy, single mom, abortion, pinay single mom, Filipina single mom

Widget for blogger by Way2Blogging | Via Spice Up Your Blog Gadgets

Are the Filipinos Ready for Divorce?

When citizens of Malta voted in a referendum last May to legalize divorce in their nation, Philippines became one of the last countries where divorce is forbidden. Malta’s legalization of divorce created a heating debate between the church authorities and the Gabriela Women’s Party who was responsible for the re-emergence of the divorce bill last June.

Divorce was existent in the Philippines during the U.S. and Japanese domination but was banned by passing the 1949 Civil Code. However, the church opposed the re-emergence of the divorce bill and vowed to campaign against its approval. As Philippines is a Catholic country, church leaders will not allow the approval of the divorce bill. They believe that it’s anti-family and anti-Filipino. It can destroy the sanctity of marriage.

Currently, there is no divorce under the Philippines law. Marriage annulment is the only option of separated couples who choose to not reconcile forever and get married with another man or woman. Annulment is a very difficult legal issue in the Philippines especially for the poor. The procedure is costly, time consuming and must require a qualified lawyer who understands the complexities of a couples’ marriage.

Now, Philippines stands alone for banning divorce. 

What is the reality?

Filipinos, for what I believe are more than ready for this kind of thinking about marriage. It’s not always a happy ending. In other countries, divorce has been recognized as a legal option for couples who wanted to re-marry. Then, why not in the Philippines? It doesn’t mean that the divorce bill must be approved because we are now the only country.

Philippines has a program called legal separation which requires less cost than annulment. The problem about legal separation is that they cannot re-marry (if they decided to) after the procedure. However, annulment in the Philippines benefits only those who are rich. Examples are the celebrities, politicians, etc. who can pay for it. One must be proved that he or she is psychologically incapacitated to keep their marriage. That reason may dissolve the present marriage.

Let’s just face the reality that what is certain about life is uncertainty. After marriage, options must not be one-sided. We have seen it through movies, news and other sources which can portray marriage experiences that it does not always work out. 

Divorce can be a good option for those who are1.) imprisoned in an unhappy marriage (and thinks about moving on every single day) 2.) battered wives 3.) verbally and emotionally abused 4.) not living together for years and wanted to re-marry, and 5.)left alone without any positive reason.

The divorce bill can help those who truly need it. It may not be a solution but a good option for those who are seeking happiness in their lives. And I believe that when a man had a divorce, it’s their choice as well as its accompanying consequences. Divorce is just another option when other options for holding on to marriage are already exhausted. Whatever negative situation that may arrive after it must not be blamed at the existence of divorce bill. It’s a different story man created. 

Tags: divorce, divorces, divorce in Philippines, divorce in, divorce act, divorce in the Philippines, annulment, divorce legal, divorce divorce, no divorce, legal separation, Philippines, Filipino divorce, Philippines divorce

Widget for blogger by Way2Blogging | Via Spice Up Your Blog Gadgets

Overcoming Insecurity

Insecurity

Insecurity is an emotional feeling of “not being good enough”. Usually, a person who is insecure has low self-esteem. Thus, he may have difficulty in many aspects of life. A person who feels secure is more likely to succeed than an insecure one. In many cases, the root cause of feeling insecure started from childhood. It may start from home where a situation brought him trauma and guilt. A child who is insecure is probably living in a home with unstable relationships or unloving parents. Rejection and loss of significant one are also factors that can cause insecurity.

Other Factors that can Cause Insecurity

1.       Body image. A person who is not happy with his body figure and facial attributes tends to feel more insecure than a person who is more fit and sexy. He feels that he is ugly and he believes that he brings negative perception about himself to others. This makes him self-conscious and tense in dealing with others.

2.       Impossible expectations to meet. He feels the need to present perfection. He usually has this perfect life in his mind that he strives to meet. When not met, he will feel guilty to the point that he will question his capacity. 

3.       Low self-esteem. He under-estimates himself. When he is around people who have the capacity to do better than him, he cannot restrain from comparing himself to them. Eventually, he will realize that he lacks skills and talents. This can make him doubt his capacity to achieve success.

4.       Loss. Insecurity can be felt by a person who experienced losing something that gives him security. Bankruptcy, faded beauty, loss of a loved one and loss of innocence are some issues that may cause insecurity.

5.       Fear.  Lack of self-confidence can also cause insecurity. It can be anything like fear of rejection, fear of losing or fear of shame.

6.       Low financial status. A person who feels insecure is most likely to buy things that will show off his status in life. We know persons who do not earn much but have large TV at home, wear branded clothes and drive cars. There are times that he will go to parties with his friends who are moneyed than him just for him to feel that he belongs to the group.

7.       Personal incapacity. Learning disability, physical deformation and abnormality even through our perception can cause insecurity.

How to Overcome Insecurity?

1.       Get a piece of paper. Think about your good and bad characteristics. Write them down on a piece of paper and realize how you will turn your bads into goods and how you will improve your goods to become your strength. That paper can serve as your personal note that you can look at from time to time to check if you have improved. Just keep it. One day it will make you smile. 

You can also write down all your insecurities about your body and say ‘so what?!’. Remember that no one is ugly because we are made different. Each one of us is unique.

You can also think about the persons who made you feel down or rejected because of who you are. Write their names on the paper and perceive if they have the right to make you feel that way. The answer must always be ‘NO’ because no one can make you feel bad, bitter or incapacitated unless you allow them.

After writing down, revive your self-confidence. Believe that YOU CAN DO IT!

2.       Find the root cause of it. To conquer insecurity, you must find the root cause of it. It may be jealousy, emotional trauma, childhood experiences, and failures in school or anything that can make someone feel inferior and insecure. You need to face and solve it. Once you are aware of the problem, issues will become easier to sort out.

3.       Stop comparing. Comparing yourself to others can give you the feeling of self-rejection. This can hurt your own self-esteem and give you the feeling of being inferior. Everyone has their own struggles. Try to be with the person who is perfect for you and you will see that he has his own hidden struggles. 

“Everyone in my class can do this except me.”

“How come they are making enough money than me?”

Don’t exaggerate other person’s success and put it as a basis. It does not contribute anything to stop feeling insecure. Instead, it only makes you feel hurt. Realize that it is now the time to face the truth and accept yourself for who you are. Just because we are behind others in terms of skills, success or physical appearance does not mean that we must blame ourselves for being that way. It just means that we have to take some things as a challenge and be a better person for our own future. Struggles and hardships happen to each one of us in order to grow up and become a stronger person.

4.       Stop wearing masks. Our mind is full of defensive mechanisms that we can use as a cover-up to our real selves. Show the real you! Don’t pretend that you are as cool as others if you are not. You may think that this is quite impossible but don’t you think? It feels good when people know you for who you are and still they accept and respect you. 

5.       Be optimistic. See the good about yourself. Do good things that can contribute for the betterness of your future. Check for the good sides of every situation and live your life like there is no tomorrow. Stop feeling bitter and live for the better. 

Tags: insecurity, insecurities, low self esteem, insecurity quotes, insecurity in relationships, relationship insecurity, insecurity definition, define insecurity, im insecure, jealousy, keirotopy, overcoming insecurity, stop being insecure

Widget for blogger by Way2Blogging | Via Spice Up Your Blog Gadgets